Essays
That Sweet Little Boy that's in My Heart Forever
by Cody's cousin, Rachael Wingfield
Many a night I lay down in bed, imagining what my new baby cousin would look like. Wondering if he'd be anything at all like his big brother, Ryan. I cherished the day he would come. That day came and was afterward filled with agony and sorrow. I had learned the news by guessing. Taking note of a simple letter my mother had left: "Jo's in the hospital. Don't call Nanny or Judy. I'll explain when I get home."
I felt my heart sink in my chest. Hoping the inevitable wasn't true. My mother came home that night and told my sister and me about my dear cousin Cody. I began to let the grief set in as I saw the pictures of him. Then as I slowly walked up to my bedroom I began to think, "I never even got to hold him."
I spent the weekend with Judy and feared the day of his funeral. As I walked up to the grave and listened to Jo's brother read a poem he had written for dear little Cody, tears began to fall down my cheeks.
I closed my eyes and imagined what it might have been like to see him tearing the wrapping off of Christmas presents, celebrating his first birthday by gobbling up chocolate cake, even watching Jo rock him to sleep. You see, all of those things are in my imagination and will never happen.
I regret going on vacation that week so much. I will not get to make him laugh. I will live the rest of my life knowing that I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye.
I loved him before he was born. Some people may have gotten to see him; my memory of precious Cody is of a little baby boy wrapped in blankets that seems so close but yet so far away. A part of me is lost because of that.
Cody, you're that cousin I didn't get to know, but I love you still.
Rachael Wingfield
December 1999
